HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING SNUGGIE?

HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH SNUGGIES. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON YOUR FUCKING COUCH WITH A FUCKING BLANKET AND BEEN LIKE MAN, I WISH THERE WERE SLEEVES ON THIS SHIT? OF COURSE YOU HAVE, I'VE SEEN YOU DO IT WHEN I'M STALKING YOUR FAT ASS. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING SNUGGIE. ONE DAY LONG AGO SNUGGIE PRESIDENT, BUZZ KILLINGTON, WAS THINKING OF A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY TO FUCK HIS BLANKET. THE RESULT WAS ADDING TWO ROOMY SLEEVES FOR HIS MASSIVE DONG, AND NOW HIS INSPIRATIONAL STORY CAN NOW BE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING YOU'VE EVER FUCKING WORN. WE BOTH KNOW YOU SPEND HALF YOUR FUCKING LIFE ON THE COUCH, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WARM AND WRAPPED UP IN A FUCKING SNUGGIE? NO, YOU DON'T REALLY DESERVE IT, BUT GIVE ME MONEY. CALL NOW AND I'LL THROW IN A TRASH BAG FULL OF USED WRAPPING PAPER AUTOGRAPHED BY ME, BILLY MAYS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING WHISKEY?

HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MCADAMS CANADIAN WHISKEY. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOME JACK DANIELS AND FELT LIKE YOU DIDN'T DESERVE IT? SMART KID, YOU DON'T, FAGGOT. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING MCADAMS CANADIAN WHISKEY. IT'S IN A PLASTIC BOTTLE, SO YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD STUFF. I ADVISE MIXING IT WITH GINGER ALE, OR PERHAPS YOUR OWN TEARS, THEY'LL BE FLOWING AFTER THIS SHIT RAPES YOUR TONGUE. CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL THROW IN SOME MIGHTY PUTTY TO KEEP YOUR ASSHOLE FROM EXPLODING WITH RAGE AFTER THIS GOES THROUGH YOUR SYSTEM. SO, RAISE THAT BOTTLE, CRACK THAT SHIT OPEN AND TASTE THE DISAPPOINTMENT WITH ME, BILLY MAYS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING PLUSH DOLL?

HEY THERE DICKHEADS, BILLY MAYS HERE. SO I HERD U LIEK MUDKIP? I KNOW, RIGHT NOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING OH JESUS CHRIST BILLY, MUDKIP? IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'RE A SHITTY SATIRICAL BLOG THAT IS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS. WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I SELL LIFE INSURANCE, SO FUCK YOU. SECONDLY, I JUST KNOW AN AWESOME FUCKING POKEMON WHEN I SEE ONE. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING MUDKIP DOLL. RUMOR IS IF YOU FIND SOME DORK AT A FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL AND GIVE IT TO HIM HE FUCKS IT AND THE END RESULT IS A FIRE IN THE FUCKING LIBRARY. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, GIVE ME ANOTHER FUCKING PLUSH DOLL THAT CAN DO THAT. YOU CAN'T, MUDKIP IS FUCKING AWESOME. THIS DOLL IS SQUEEZABLY SOFT AND GENTLE TO THE FUCKING TOUCH, BUT I ASSURE YOU THE MAIN MATERIAL USED IN CREATING THIS PRODUCT IS RAGE. ASK SOMEBODY IF THEY LIEK MUDKIP, AND IF THEY SAY NO, THIS THING IS PRETTY FUCKING EASY TO CHOKE ON SO KICK IT DOWN THEIR FUCKING THROAT. BUY TWO TODAY AND I'LL SHIP THESE TO YOU FOR FREE, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, MUDKIP CAN FUCKING FLY. WAIT, WHAT? HOLY SHIT!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING DEAD SHAMWOW GUY?

HI, BILLY MAYS BACK IN THE FUCKING SADDLE. DO YOU NEED A CORPSE SO YOU CAN FUCK WITH PEOPLE? WELL ONE JUST SHOWED UP AT THE STUDIO, IT'S EVEN GOT A FUCKING HEADSET. THIS FUCKING THING HAS CARPOOL LANE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT, IT'S A GREAT DOORSTOP, THING TO THROW AT JEHOVAH'S WITNESS FUCKERS, AND POSSIBLY THE FIRST CONSENTUAL SEX PARTNER YOU'VE EVER HAD, YOU SICK FUCK. THIS IS A VERY LIMITED OFFER SO GET THAT FAT FUCKING DIALING FINGER READY YOU FLESH PILE OF SHIT. CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN IMMEDIATELY AND I'LL THROW IN A SHAMWOW BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS PIECE OF SHIT ANYWAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING SABOTAGED PAGE?

WHATS UP BLOGSPOT, VINCE OFFER HERE. THE SHAMWOW GUY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BEWILDERED LOOK LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. I JUST WANTED TO POP IN HERE AND SAY THAT BILLY MAYS IS A DOUCHE BAG, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUCKING EXTREME ADVERTISING KING. WHY DO I WEAR THIS HEADSET? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING CRAZY. CHRIST, I GET PEOPLE TO BUY SHAMWOWS BY THE TRUCKLOAD, YOU KNOW I'M GOOD. THERES A LOT MORE SHAM THAN WOW GOING ON HERE, WE ALL KNOW IT, AND I TOTALLY FUCKED YOU OUT OF YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY. ORDER A SHAMWOW TODAY AND I WILL SEND YOU A SMUGGLED MEXICAN FAMILY OF TWELVE FREE OF CHARGE. ALRIGHT, TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE THE SET WITHOUT ANY INCIDENT WHATSOEVER, OH SHI-

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING BEER?

WHAAAAAATS UP? BREWMASTER BILLY HERE. DO YOU REQUIRE REFRESHMENT FROM A HALF ASSED IPA OUT OF BOSTON? THEN CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING GREEN MONSTA BEER. THAT'S RIGHT, MONSTA, THATS HOW WE DO IT IN BEANTOWN. WHATS AN IPA? FUCK YOU KID, YOU DON'T DRINK ENOUGH. THIS STUFF COMES OUT OF THE TAP STRAIGHT TO YOU WITH A NICE FUCKING GOLDEN HUE, I LIKE TO HAVE FOUR OR FIVE PINTS BEFORE MY HELICOPTER LESSONS. NIGGA PLEASE, I'M NOT TAKING THEM, I'M TEACHING THEM. BACK ON TOPIC, STOP DISTRACTING ME YOU SHIT. GREEN MONSTA ALE WILL ONLY BE AROUND FOR A LIMITED TIME, EXPERTLY RELEASED BY OUR MARKETING TEAM IN THE FINAL MONTH OF THE FUCKING BASEBALL REGULAR SEASON DESPITE ITS NAMESAKE BEING INSPIRED BY FENWAY PARK. SO, ALL THOSE SHIT KICKING HILLBILLIES AT FENWAY WON'T BE BUYING THIS SIMPLY FOR THE NAME BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING THERE! THATS HOW EXTREME FUCKING ADVERTISING WORKS, WE CAN'T BE FOUND WHERE ONE WOULD LOGICALLY FUCKING EXPECT US TO BE. BUY A CASE OF FUCKING GREEN MONSTA ALE TODAY, THE FIRST FIFTEEN CALLERS WILL BE INVITED TO A SPECIAL CONTEST AT MY MANSION MADE OUT OF DECAPITATED UNICORNS TO SEE WHO CAN SHIT BLOOD WITH MORE AUTHORITY AFTER GUZZLING TEN OF THESE FUCKERS. BY THE WAY, EVERY CASE OF GREEN MONSTA ALE COMES WITH A USED CONDOM SIGNED BY ME, AND GREEN MONSTA ALE CAN FIX THAT HOLE IN YOUR SHED THE FUCKING RACCOON KEEPS GOING IN. CALL NOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING WRESTLING RING?

HI! BILLY MAYS HERE LIVE ON LOCATION SOMEWHERE DOWN MEMORY LANE. REMEMBER WRESTLING WHEN YOU WERE A KID? HULK HOGAN WOULDN'T JOB TO ANYONE, RIC FLAIR DIDN'T HAVE SAGGY TITS, AND WC FUCKING W WAS STILL IN BUSINESS. THOSE WERE THE FUCKING DAYS. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING WRESTLING RING! MY PALS AT PRIME FIGHTER WILL HELP YOUR SHITTY DREAMS COME TRUE WITH THIS 20 BY 20 FOOT FUCKING SQUARE IN YOUR GARAGE OR SOME SHIT. YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAR ANYWAY, LOSER. PUT ON A SHOW AND INVITE BOTH OF YOUR FRIENDS, ONE CAN WATCH WHILE YOU BREAK THE OTHERS FUCKING NECK TRYING TO EMULATE SHIT YOU'RE NOT ATHLETIC OR SMART ENOUGH TO DO. YOU COULD FUCKING BE THE NEXT JOHN CENA! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ON YOUR PISS STAINED COUCH RIGHT NOW WITH HALF A BAG OF BUGLES HANGING OFF THAT PATHETIC STUBBLE YOU CALL A BEARD COULD BE THE NEXT INSULT TO SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. IF YOU CALL NOW I'LL THROW IN A FREE PRACTICE DUMMY, YOU CAN PROBABLY TAPE SARAH PALIN'S FACE TO IT AND GRIND ON IT LATER INSTEAD OF CRYING WHILE YOU MASTURBATE LIKE USUAL. OR DON'T BUY IT AND I'LL JUST ABDUCT YOUR ASS AND GIVE YOU THE BILLY MAYS DRIVER OFF THE TOP ROPE, YOUR CHOICE FUCKER.