HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING DEAD SHAMWOW GUY?

HI, BILLY MAYS BACK IN THE FUCKING SADDLE. DO YOU NEED A CORPSE SO YOU CAN FUCK WITH PEOPLE? WELL ONE JUST SHOWED UP AT THE STUDIO, IT'S EVEN GOT A FUCKING HEADSET. THIS FUCKING THING HAS CARPOOL LANE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT, IT'S A GREAT DOORSTOP, THING TO THROW AT JEHOVAH'S WITNESS FUCKERS, AND POSSIBLY THE FIRST CONSENTUAL SEX PARTNER YOU'VE EVER HAD, YOU SICK FUCK. THIS IS A VERY LIMITED OFFER SO GET THAT FAT FUCKING DIALING FINGER READY YOU FLESH PILE OF SHIT. CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN IMMEDIATELY AND I'LL THROW IN A SHAMWOW BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS PIECE OF SHIT ANYWAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING SABOTAGED PAGE?

WHATS UP BLOGSPOT, VINCE OFFER HERE. THE SHAMWOW GUY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BEWILDERED LOOK LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. I JUST WANTED TO POP IN HERE AND SAY THAT BILLY MAYS IS A DOUCHE BAG, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUCKING EXTREME ADVERTISING KING. WHY DO I WEAR THIS HEADSET? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING CRAZY. CHRIST, I GET PEOPLE TO BUY SHAMWOWS BY THE TRUCKLOAD, YOU KNOW I'M GOOD. THERES A LOT MORE SHAM THAN WOW GOING ON HERE, WE ALL KNOW IT, AND I TOTALLY FUCKED YOU OUT OF YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY. ORDER A SHAMWOW TODAY AND I WILL SEND YOU A SMUGGLED MEXICAN FAMILY OF TWELVE FREE OF CHARGE. ALRIGHT, TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE THE SET WITHOUT ANY INCIDENT WHATSOEVER, OH SHI-

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING BEER?

WHAAAAAATS UP? BREWMASTER BILLY HERE. DO YOU REQUIRE REFRESHMENT FROM A HALF ASSED IPA OUT OF BOSTON? THEN CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING GREEN MONSTA BEER. THAT'S RIGHT, MONSTA, THATS HOW WE DO IT IN BEANTOWN. WHATS AN IPA? FUCK YOU KID, YOU DON'T DRINK ENOUGH. THIS STUFF COMES OUT OF THE TAP STRAIGHT TO YOU WITH A NICE FUCKING GOLDEN HUE, I LIKE TO HAVE FOUR OR FIVE PINTS BEFORE MY HELICOPTER LESSONS. NIGGA PLEASE, I'M NOT TAKING THEM, I'M TEACHING THEM. BACK ON TOPIC, STOP DISTRACTING ME YOU SHIT. GREEN MONSTA ALE WILL ONLY BE AROUND FOR A LIMITED TIME, EXPERTLY RELEASED BY OUR MARKETING TEAM IN THE FINAL MONTH OF THE FUCKING BASEBALL REGULAR SEASON DESPITE ITS NAMESAKE BEING INSPIRED BY FENWAY PARK. SO, ALL THOSE SHIT KICKING HILLBILLIES AT FENWAY WON'T BE BUYING THIS SIMPLY FOR THE NAME BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING THERE! THATS HOW EXTREME FUCKING ADVERTISING WORKS, WE CAN'T BE FOUND WHERE ONE WOULD LOGICALLY FUCKING EXPECT US TO BE. BUY A CASE OF FUCKING GREEN MONSTA ALE TODAY, THE FIRST FIFTEEN CALLERS WILL BE INVITED TO A SPECIAL CONTEST AT MY MANSION MADE OUT OF DECAPITATED UNICORNS TO SEE WHO CAN SHIT BLOOD WITH MORE AUTHORITY AFTER GUZZLING TEN OF THESE FUCKERS. BY THE WAY, EVERY CASE OF GREEN MONSTA ALE COMES WITH A USED CONDOM SIGNED BY ME, AND GREEN MONSTA ALE CAN FIX THAT HOLE IN YOUR SHED THE FUCKING RACCOON KEEPS GOING IN. CALL NOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING WRESTLING RING?

HI! BILLY MAYS HERE LIVE ON LOCATION SOMEWHERE DOWN MEMORY LANE. REMEMBER WRESTLING WHEN YOU WERE A KID? HULK HOGAN WOULDN'T JOB TO ANYONE, RIC FLAIR DIDN'T HAVE SAGGY TITS, AND WC FUCKING W WAS STILL IN BUSINESS. THOSE WERE THE FUCKING DAYS. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING WRESTLING RING! MY PALS AT PRIME FIGHTER WILL HELP YOUR SHITTY DREAMS COME TRUE WITH THIS 20 BY 20 FOOT FUCKING SQUARE IN YOUR GARAGE OR SOME SHIT. YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAR ANYWAY, LOSER. PUT ON A SHOW AND INVITE BOTH OF YOUR FRIENDS, ONE CAN WATCH WHILE YOU BREAK THE OTHERS FUCKING NECK TRYING TO EMULATE SHIT YOU'RE NOT ATHLETIC OR SMART ENOUGH TO DO. YOU COULD FUCKING BE THE NEXT JOHN CENA! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ON YOUR PISS STAINED COUCH RIGHT NOW WITH HALF A BAG OF BUGLES HANGING OFF THAT PATHETIC STUBBLE YOU CALL A BEARD COULD BE THE NEXT INSULT TO SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. IF YOU CALL NOW I'LL THROW IN A FREE PRACTICE DUMMY, YOU CAN PROBABLY TAPE SARAH PALIN'S FACE TO IT AND GRIND ON IT LATER INSTEAD OF CRYING WHILE YOU MASTURBATE LIKE USUAL. OR DON'T BUY IT AND I'LL JUST ABDUCT YOUR ASS AND GIVE YOU THE BILLY MAYS DRIVER OFF THE TOP ROPE, YOUR CHOICE FUCKER.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING BEAKER?

WELCOME BACK TO THE COUCH FATASS, BILLY MAYS AGAIN TELLING YOU TO BUST OUT THE BUNSON BURNERS. CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING PYREX BEAKER. THERE'S ALL SORTS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON HERE, PYREX WRITTEN ON THE SIDE, LINES INDICATING HOW MANY FUCKING MILLILITERS OF LIQUID YOU HAVE, THERE'S EVEN A CONVIENIENT LIP FOR POURING YOUR SHIT. THROW IN SOME ORANGE GLO, SOME CLR, A LITTLE OXYCLEAN, AND WHAT DO YOU GET? KABOOM! C WUT I DID THAR? THAT'S RIGHT, BILLY MAYS CAN TALK IN INTERNET MEMES AND STILL INTIMIDATE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU TO BUY THIS PRODUCT. THE BOTTOM LINE IS ANYTHING PUT IN THIS BEAKER WILL INCREASE IN VALUE, EVEN YOUR SMALL COCK. BUY ONE TODAY AND I'LL THROW IN A BAG OF FUCKING URINE I HAVE FOR NO APPARANT REASON SO YOU CAN START BOILING RIGHT AWAY, CALL NOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FUCKING BAKED BEANS?

YES. FUCK YES. GOD THAT'S INCREDIBLE. OH, HELLO, BILLY MAYS HERE IN THE FUCKING LUNCHROOM. DO YOU REQUIRE NOURISHMENT THAT IS JUST AS DELICIOUS AS IT IS COLON BLOWING? THEN CHECK OUT THESE FUCKING BUSH'S BEST BAKED BEANS. I LIKE TO ADD A LITTLE KABOOM FOR EXTRA ZEST, BUT YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH THESE FUCKERS. THERES FUCKING BROWN SUGAR AND SHIT IN THERE, ALL SORTS OF SECRET SPICES I'D TELL YOU BUT I CAN'T SELL FUCKING BEANS TO A CORPSE. ACTUALLY I'M BILLY FUCKING MAYS, OF COURSE I COULD, BUT STILL, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW. DID I JUST TASTE A CHUNK OF CURED BACON? HOLY FUCK. THESE FUCKING BEANS ARE JUST AS REWARDING GOING IN AS THEY ARE COMING OUT, EVERY MAN IS PROUD OF A VIOLENT VISIT TO THE BATHROOM. YOU'LL BE LIKE YOSEMITE SAM WHEN HE'S PISSED AND FLOATS LIKE TWO FEET OFF THE FUCKING GROUND WITH SMOKE COMING OUT HIS EARS. YOU'LL PROBABLY CRACK THE BOWL, BUT THAT'S OK, I HAVE A SPACE AGE TOLIET COMING SOON YOU'RE BUYING ANYWAY IF YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU. BUSH'S BEST BAKED BEANS WILL GIVE YOU A FIRMER ERECTION, CAN INSTANTLY SYNCHRONIZE ANY TWO WATCHES, AND I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY YOU CAN DICTATE WHAT TIME THE SUN SETS BY PULLING ON THIS FUCKING SWEET ASS TAB ON THE TOP OF THE CAN. BUY A CASE TODAY, SODIUM NEVER TASTED SO GOOD.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING CORK BOARD?

OH HI, I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN. PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M IN YOUR HOUSE ON THE FUCKING TV, BILLY MAYS HERE. DO YOU HAVE DOCUMENTS AND SHIT THAT AREN'T IN ORDER? BULLETINS NOT GETTING NOTICED AS MUCH AS YOU HOPED? THEN CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING CORK BULLETIN BOARD MADE BY MY FRIENDS AT GHENT. THIS FUCKING THING HAS AN ALUMINUM FRAME FOR FUCKS SAKE. SIX FEET LONG AND FOUR FEET WIDE, THIS FUCKING THING CAN TAKE EXTREME TACKING ABUSE AND LOOK AS GOOD AS THE DAY YOU BOUGHT IT. TOO BAD I CAN'T SAY THE SAME ABOUT YOUR MOM. THINK ABOUT HOW MANY PICTURES OF BILLY FUCKING MAYS YOU COULD FIT ON THIS THING! ANY BITCH IN YOUR OFFICE WILL FUCK YOU RIGHT THEN AND THERE WHEN THEY SEE YOUR STYLE AND EXCELLENT TASTE IN CORK BOARDS. ANYTHING YOU PUT ON THIS FUCKING THING AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES TRUE. DON'T BELIEVE ME? PUT A BULLETIN UP THERE READING "MY BOSS IS A RAMPANT HOMOSEXUAL" AND HE WILL BE FULL BLOWN GAY BY THE END OF THE DAY SO AS TO NOT OFFEND BILLY MAYS AND THE CORK BOARD GODS. YOU CAN'T FUCKING LIVE WITHOUT THIS THING, BECAUSE I WON'T LET YOU. CALL NOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING ALBUM?

HI BLOGGER.COM, BILLY FUCKING MAYS HERE WITH FUCKING METALLICA. REMEMBER WHEN THEY FUCKED UP YOUR NAPSTER FOR DOWNLOADING THEIR SHIT? THAT'S BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU YOU FUCKING RETARD. HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT THIS SWEET ASS FUCKING ALBUM CASE? IT'S BLACK AND HAS SILVER AND SHIT ON IT. IS THAT A SNAKE I SEE? JESUS CHRIST. PLACE THIS ALBUM CASE ON A AMPUTATED LIMB AND YOUR SHIT WILL FUCKING GROW BACK. CALL IN THE NEXT 12 SECONDS FOR A FREE SECOND COPY, WHICH YOU'LL NEED AFTER YOU SMASH THE FIRST ONE ON YOUR FACE TRYING TO ABSORB THE FUCKING COOLNESS IT CONTAINS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING GARDEN CLAW?

WHATS UP MOTHERFUCKERS, BILLY MAYS' AWESOME BEARD HERE. DO YOU HAVE SHIT IN YOUR YARD THAT ISN'T FUCKED UP ENOUGH? WELL LOOK NO FURTHER, CHECK OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKING GARDEN CLAW GOLD. THIS SHIT WILL FUCK UP YOUR CRAB GRASS WHILE SCREAMING ETHNIC SLURS AT IT, THE ONLY REASON YOU CAN'T SEE THAT DIRT SHITTING ITSELF IS BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY BROWN. ORDER YOUR GARDEN CLAW GOLD NOW TO GET A FREE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT WHILE YOU HAUL ASS IN YOUR BACKYARD TELLING MOTHER NATURE TO GO FUCK ITSELF WITH THIS FUCKING GARDEN CLAW. IT'S GOLD BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THAN YOU, CALL NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING POWER WASHER?

HEY YOU CHUTNEY FERRET FUCKTARDS, BILLY MAYS BACK WITH ANOTHER AWESOME PRODUCT YOUR LIFE SUCKS WITHOUT.IS THERE WIERD COLORED SHIT ON THE SIDE OF YOUR HOUSE? OF COURSE THERE IS, IT'S THERE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAILURE. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR BIG STUPID ASS A FUCKING FAIP Z1400 1400-PSI POWER WASHER. THIS BITCH WILL COMMIT HATE CRIMES ON THE VARIOUS MOLDS AND SHIT ON YOUR WORTHLESS MOTOR HOME. FUCK, IF YOU'RE NOT PATIENT ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR ME TO FUCK HER TOMORROW AND LOOSEN THINGS UP, THIS WILL CLEAN THE SAND RIGHT OFF YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA. IT'LL EVEN GIVE HER THE FUCKING ORGASM YOUR WORTHLESS ASS NEVER COULD. FUCK THAT, SIMPLY OWNING ONE WILL MAKE HER CLIMAX AGAIN AND AGAIN. WHEN I HAVE AN EARLY MEETING AT EXTREME FUCKING ADVERTISING INCORPORATED, I SHOVE THE NOZZLE UP MY ASS AND HOOK IT UP TO MY ALARM CLOCK. GET YOURSELF A FAIP Z1400 1400-PSI POWER WASHER BEFORE I FUCKING KILL YOU.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING TRASH CAN?

KNOCK KNOCK BITCHES, BIG BAD BILLY MAYS BACK WITH ANOTHER INCREDIBLE PRODUCT. HOW THE FUCK DO I FIND THIS SHIT? CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING RUBBERMAID 50 GALLON TRASH CAN. THATS RIGHT, I SAID 50. IF YOU DON'T BUY THAT VALUE PACK OF SAMURAI SHARKS RIGHT NOW I CAN FIT YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY IN THIS THING. BUT WHAT BILLY, WHAT DO I THROW IN FIRST? SIMPLE. TAKE THAT PIECE OF SHIT SHAMWOW THAT INFOMERCIAL GUY DOWN THE DIAL SOLD YOUR STUPID ASS. THAT GUY IS A FUCKING DOUCHE, WE CALL THEM INFUNMERCIALS WHEN BILLY MAYS IS ON CAMERA. JUST THINK OF ALL THE FUCKING ORANGE GLO YOU COULD FILL THIS THING WITH. THATS 50 GALLONS OF FUCKING AWESOMENESS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. IN CONCLUSION, ANIMALS WILL BE TOO INTIMIDATED BY THIS RUBBERMAID FUCKING TRASH CAN TO LOOK IN YOUR GARBAGE, AND YOU CAN ALL SUCK MY DICK.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING SHOW?

HEY ALL YOU CRACK SMOKING ZOOPHILE LOSERS, BILLY MAYS BACK AGAIN AND RUNNING WILD. WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU TODAY IS THE COMPLETE SERIES OF 24 ON DVD. THAT'S RIGHT, DVD. BLUERAY DISCS ARE FOR ASSHOLES. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING SHOW? HE KILLS LIKE 75 FUCKING PEOPLE AN EPISODE, AND I'LL MAKE IT 76 IF YOU DON'T BUY THIS SERIES RIGHT NOW. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW YOU HATE AMERICA, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU HATE ME, BILLY MAYS. EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU GOT THIS SHOW FIGURED OUT ITS LIKE KABOOM, FUCKING FOUR SCREENS OF SHIT HAPPENING AT ONCE. THAT REMINDS ME, BUY A BOTTLE OF KABOOM WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, YOU'LL NEED IT TO WIPE OFF YOUR TV AFTER YOU BLOW A LOAD ALL OVER IT WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW.IF YOU WATCH TWO HOURS OF THIS SHOW A DAY YOU CAN WALK INTO ANY JOB INTERVIEW, SHIT ON THE DESK, AND YOU'LL GET THE JOB.LET ME LET YOU IN ON A FUCKING SECRET. SEE MY AWESOME FUCKING BEARD? I GREW THIS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER WATCHING SEASON ONE. CALL NOW AND I'LL THROW IN EVERY EPISODE OF THAT 80'S SHOW, YOU CAN USE THE CASE TO TAKE A SHIT IN SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR COUCH. CALL NOW!